It has been a while since I’ve made an update.
Each time I always say, “I’m going to make more of an effort,” but then try to get absolutely strict with myself about it which doesn’t particularly help, because then the motivation is gone. So while I am not going to promise daily to weekly updates, I will state that I have the intention of being less infrequent.
There have been some serious changes in my life since I initially started this Blog. I have moved about two hours south of where I was previously living, I am down a total of 42 pounds (with much more still to lose), and I have made some lifestyle changes. But with these changes and travels has come a realization of sorts.
And that is? We convince ourselves of the damndest things.
We convince ourselves that we aren’t deserving.
We convince ourselves that we aren’t good enough.
We convince ourselves that as much love as we love putting out into the world and sharing with our friends, that we don’t deserve the same sort of thing in return. Even when we do such things without expectations.
I am blessed with such amazing people in my life – both in the form of family and friends. Some I have been reluctant to allow as close as others. It isn’t particularly rational and more with regards to defense mechanisms; but, they put up with it. They put up with me. They support me.
Some times you feel like for a large part of your life you struggle. Struggle to find a place that you feel you belong. And when you find it? When you truly find it? You’re not sure what to do with it. What to think. Because the last thing you want is to take it and the people who help shape that place, for granted. The question becomes however, how much of that is not wanting to take people or the area for granted, and how much of it is a pride issue associated with a fear of asking for help?
This is the sort of thing I am learning right now.
Recently, on a trip back from a live action roleplaying game, my car died on the side of the road. I had already had a rough week, complete with my emotional support animal getting outside and hiding underneath the house for 13 hours. My nerves were shot. The first time it happened? I suspected it was the alternator; but, hoped boosting the battery would give enough juice to get us home.
2.5 miles later, it died once again and I found myself scrambling to contact everyone who was there with us. I was expecting at best, unloading the car and getting people and their things home, and having to let it rot in a lot as I’m unable to afford a lot in the way of repairs. This – while might be common place to deal with – was so very difficult for me to deal with. Buying this vehicle was the last thing my father and I did together before his massive cardiac event which rendered him unable to speak or communicate with me. It – in my mind – is a representation of how our relationship has been rocky over the years due to his own emotional issues as well as my own – good, hard, takes a beating; but, keeps on moving.
It wasn’t rational; but, I feel that by giving up on the vehicle, or not being able to maintain it, I’m giving up on what we have now. Which is ..nebulous at best, since his wife has grown frustrated with the lack of feeling like we’re family and instructed that I’m only allowed to get information as to how he’s doing from my Uncle and Aunt. (She does not deny me contact to him – let me preface this. She has her own reasons for doing this, to protect herself and ease a very difficult emotional burden in the position she has found herself as my father’s full time caretaker. She shows video messages I send him and if I were to call to talk with him, even though he can’t respond, I know she’d set up the phone call. She’s an amazing person in a really crapy situation. It’s just ..frustrating because he can’t talk to me, so I can’t really get a response.) Needless to say, this car is more than a vehicle to me. It’s really the only thing I have to show for the relationship that my father and I have.
Okay, correction. I /feel/ like it’s really the only thing I have to show. There’s a lot there that he has imparted on to me, and instilled in me; but, it’s nebulous – much like communicating with him now. And as the nine year anniversary of my mother’s death is literally a week away? It is incredibly hard.
But, the worst case didn’t come to pass. It was the alternator. No – I didn’t have the money for it. And I had no expectations of help with regards to any of it, save for getting people home safely. But without even asking, someone took charge of the situation and the larp folks all contributed to replace the alternator.
More than that? Many dropped by for moral support while the one heading things up took care of the purchase and installation of the new thing. It was overwhelming. It had been a horrible week. What was happening was stressful, and while I was managing to refrain from letting my mind magnify the severity of the situation, it was not a fun time.
The arrival of everyone – the continued support of my friends who were the passengers in my car – the manner in which everything came together made me feel so very – very loved. It was beautiful beyond words, realizing – what’s more – that I /was/ loved and supported. It isn’t the sort of thing I ever want to take for granted, and it’s something for which I am so very grateful.
After being convinced for the longest time that you aren’t worth any of that? -Accepting- that you are, even if slowly, is such a wonderful and beautiful thing.