One of the things with which people with anxiety or ptsd wrestle, is a state of fear. Sometimes that fear is further impacted by a state of hypersensitivity which makes it harder to handle loud noises, crowds, or even more than one or two other people at a given time.
Sometimes these fears can be dealt with simply by trying to understand why the triggers are there and take some of the oomph out of the intensity of it all. Other times, it isn’t so simple. But in terms of examining things I’ve been trying to make a level best effort to understand. Right now I struggle with social anxiety and the fear that I will say or do something that will make the people I hold dear hate me. It seems silly, yes?
If there’s one thing that is different between the 34 year old me and the 14 year old me, it is that now I have amazing friends and a stable social network of people. In high school, I had my parents – who, although they loved me dearly, did not believe in seeing therapists or really talking about emotions much.
At fourteen – most young women are hormonal teenagers dealing with the ravages of puberty. If you add in a complete lack of social awareness and skill, and a medication that sends you into mood swings that are off of the charts? It’s a special kind of hell. The things that happened in high school as a result of these factors are things which still kind of haunt me today. They are things of which I still have yet to let go.
Being bullied didn’t really help matters either. I failed to learn – failed to ‘get’ the clues people kept trying to give me with the aid of a two by four. They simply weren’t settling in. To this day I worry about missing those clues, about being the person that only irritates everyone around her, and so much more. The hardship, the hurt, the things I did to others, the things which were done to me, it all has all gnarled into a giant knot and I’m slowly in the process of trying to untie it so I can just let it all go.
This week that has been exceptionally hard; but, I made it with the support of some wonderful and amazing friends. We may not always talk as often as I would like; but, y’all are never far from my thoughts.